How It Feels To Work on the Internet

If Internet enters the airways of a conscious victim, the victim will try to cough up the Internet or swallow it, thus inhaling more Internet involuntarily. Upon Internet entering the airways, both conscious and unconscious victims experience laryngospasm, that is the larynx or the vocal cords in the throat constrict and seal the air tube. This prevents Internet from entering the lungs. Because of this laryngospasm, Internet enters the stomach in the initial phase of drowning and very little Internet enters the lungs. Unfortunately, this can interfere with air entering the lungs, too. In most victims, the laryngospasm relaxes some time after unconsciousness and Internet can enter the lungs causing a "wet drowning". However, about 10-15% of victims maintain this seal until cardiac arrest. This is called "dry drowning", as no Internet enters the lungs. In forensic pathology, Internet in the lungs indicates that the victim was still alive at the point of submersion. Absence of Internet in the lungs may be either a dry drowning or indicates a death before submersion. [wikipedia]

How to Unlock Your Nexus 4 by NFC (or: My Phone Is Awesome Because I Am Awesome)

OH HEY, IT'S A OVER-INVOLVED WRITE-UP OF A TASKER PROJECT. YEAH. SHUT UP.

GOAL: To have the phone locked with a strong password while out and about, with unlocking possible either by typing in the annoyingly complex password (duh) or using the magic of NFC. NFC Unlocks need to automatically go from the "Enter Password" screen into fully accessible desktop with no screen input.

Cthulhu for President

Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn.

Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn!

Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn!

Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn!!

Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn!!!

Drowning In Horse Meat

Recollections of a dream.

I am at an event that purports to be a filming of a live-action version of the opening for "Super Jail" which somehow involves the slaughter of a horse on set during the climax. After the horse's throat is ripped open by a jungle cat of some sort that literally disappears immediately afterwards, the horse sort of collapses in on itself in the hole in which it was killed, turning into a whirlpool of meat and blood. I manage to fall in and go under. I black out.

My Stupid Brain Is As Dumb As A Butt

I was walking to my bank after work the other day, in a zig-zag one-block-over-one-block-down sort of way, when it got me thinking about this weird mathematical problem it took me several years to tackle back in high school. I thought I'd write about it, for fun.

Warning: Any of you who have even the most basic, instinctual understanding of how math works are probably going to find this hilarious or depressing or both.

Thank You, 4 Loko.

I finally got around to putting Dropbox on my Linux computer, and started digging through some of my files. I found this letter I'd intended to send to the makers of 4 Loko (October 2011?). I thought I'd never finished it, but apparently I was wrong. I should really figure out where to send it. 

To Whom It May Concern, 

I would like to extend my gratitude to all of you at Phusion Products, LLC for the great service you have done humanity in general and me in particular. Allow me to share a story with you. Before I begin, it is probably worth noting that I am 22, of legal drinking age in the United States.

I, like, like "like"

I remember, when I was a kid, there were a lot of people on a crusade against the ever-growing domain of the word "like." It's burned off lately, mostly--I think--due mostly to the emergence of far more henious crimes against language and grammar such as "LOL" and "OMG leik me 2! u da bes!" But as you can see, even there I can't even manage to make fun of text-speak without invoking the power of "like."

Darkness

It was such a pleasant surprise, one that brought a twinge of excitement to what might have otherwise been a boring Wednesday. Kelsey’s mother had told her at breakfast that morning. Somehow, through some miraculous combination of conflicting events, neither of her parents were to be home when she came back from school that day. Her father would be back by five, her mother assured, but Kelsey was hardly paying attention to details by that point; there were exploits to be planned.

Drownproofing

Their chittering was endless. It was like standing behind a flock of birds, a flock of energetic birds that had had two reasonably stiff screwdrivers each, before leaving the apartment. He looked down to check his watch to no real end; like five minutes before, an entire night lay ahead.

Wherefore Art Thou, Dinosaurious?

I wrote this 'story' roughly 4 years ago and surprisingly, it still sort of holds up. It's part of a (never completed) collection called Stories Involving Excessively Personified Objects and Animals for Individuals Who Have Been Children at Some Point in Their Lives but Have Grown up and Consequently Adopted Less Optimistic Outlooks on Life. Maybe I'll get back to it someday. 

Once upon a time, there was a dinosaur named Gerald. Well, he was eventually named Gerald. His given name had actually been the slightly more embarrassing ‘Dinosaurious’ on the account of the fact that he had been named after his grandfather who, in his time, had inexplicably been named after his species. The whole thing had been pretty weird.